It creeps up on you, you know? Slowly or maybe quickly, it creeps. The darkness. Kind of like a friend but slightly scary also, not quite a foe. The darkness doesn't want to hurt you, but remind you of your weaknesses, the slight ripples, the gaping holes in your armor. IF you are strong, it will take you on a wild ride. Once off this ride, you come away different. Not different, different just different. Maybe more aware, maybe a little quiet, maybe just well you don't really give a shit anymore. This is where you find me. Currently, the downside of my wild night wrestling with my darkness...
It wasn't a good week. The disappointment with people sat with me, heavy. An albatross, a wet blanket, insert any metaphor you choose but keep the feeling--heaviness. I said one sentence quietly out loud, that sent me tumbling into the abyss. Do you want to hear it? It is not the sentences of healers, it is not the assumed words of a highly evolved individual, it is not the mantra of yogis. It was the sentence of a broken person, a person tired of working so hard, a person that had so many years of "You got this! You are STRONGGG!" emphatically encouraged to them from the sidelines. She finally broke. Not down, into tears, but down into the depths of the very place most would be horrified to know she went. It was this sentence--'maybe if I just wasn't here, it would be easier--easier for me, easier for my family, easier for them to have the life that they deserve. I am not scared to walk into the light, I am not scared to go to the other side, maybe it is easier..."
A full day I wrestled with myself. A full day of thinking terrible things with the opposite equally strong words of encouragement never think things like this. What is wrong with you? As the day closed, I started to feel a relief of normalcy. I was quiet the whole day. Pretending was not on the menu. I hugged my children and quietly went about my chores. Tired from my wrestling. Tired from the daily grind of making things appear to be okay. That week, I thankfully had zero Reiki sessions. I didn't even turn on Reiki that week. I felt too raw, too broken, too weak to be of service. Honestly, I didn't want my bad vibes to spread. I knew it was bad. The farthest I had traveled into my dark spaces. The farthest...
The next day, as I contemplated myself objectively, it dawned on me--yes, I was in a heavy place but when this happens to my clients I know for a fact, that there has to be a rip in their auric field--so therefore, there must be a tear in mine--has to be--and when that happens and I am that low, only one entity loves to get in the mix and that is some negative (trickster) entities. Astounded, I began to realize that I just got jumped on. That with my low vibration frequency, and the tear in my field I was ripe for the picking.
Do you know what this means? It means multiple things: A. I just got jumped on, and I realized it. That all of my negativity was not solely entirely just ((me)) but some dark shit, messing with me~
Oh, crap. This is huge. Not deflection either, I am well aware that I could just be hormonal and losing my freaking mind, but, I have to entertain that I was just as easily messed with. In my world, this is just as legitimate as PMS'ing. SO. here WE are. BOOM. My mind began to assess the why and the hows and I began to see that I was meant to feel this deep abyss feeling so in turn when I have a client in the depths of their shadow selves I know for a fact how that feels. How the thoughts can just start with a sentence and send you head over heels into the bowels of the trickster energy. I needed to understand how you feel like you are in quicksand, wanting to get out, but equally just wanting the sand to drown you with your fingers left reaching out towards the scorched, dry sky. I needed to feel that, so I could honestly help treat them with the gentleness and space that they need to dig their way out. This lead me to my next thought that would send my mind flip flopping struggling, not just with this idea, but with my dogma.
What IF the dark ones are not just to possess but, to help us to grow stronger in the light? What If the darkness is not just about our "sins" or our weakness but, our ability to move closer to the light within? What IF our guardian angels are not capable of pushing us to our limits and the ones that can are the fallen that curate this earth? What IF...our struggle was allowed by the creator to pressure cook us so that we could become like diamonds? What if I have been looking at this all 'wrong' and it is more complicated than I had initially assumed? What IF...? I began to wrestle with an avalanche of new thoughts and images. Which even to this day, I am still trying to sort through all the downloads I received about this. Here is what I can guarantee, that I am still thinking about this, that I am still gathering more information and downloads about this new understanding. What I know for sure, is that as I learn, you will too--this is just too big to keep to myself.
Flash forward to November 2025 I am still sifting and sorting through my thoughts on this subject and I am open to free discussion about it, if you too are curious or have theories on this subject of--"Are the dark ones more than what we have given them credit for..." I am happy to clarify and share ideas on this. As I walk the shamans path, I am seeing that things are just unfolding in more and more complex ways that deepen my walk with the spiritual.
Until next time,
A
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